The time runs – 27th June. 2017

This is from Qaytbai Castle in Alexandria
As i spent this Eid away from family with all the festivities and fun having missed, it certainly dawned on me how much do i miss the little things , the mere gossip, being close to your family members and going out just to have to drink something , drive around Islamabad and Pindi and take mama and behnain to cousins even if i hated it that time. The life runs, and we are striving to achieve great things when all the happiness is in the little ones. While i am outside my country trying my best here to adjust and enjoy as much as i can but still i am unhappy being away from home. Everyday although brings joy in someway but mostly it comes with a factor of hollowness. I am hollow mostly. Sometimes i think where the ‘me’ has gone who was present in the moment and trying to make the best of the day may it be playing football, studying, having fights, arriving late, but i was there. Trying to win for the day. I am here now but i’m not here, where that me has gone. I try to represent faith , but i also blunder it. I try to study even though now my grades are greater than my expectations but still did i try hard enough to achieve it. Did i hustle in the presence of the moment or was it an accident. Since i didnt hustle harder , was it the reason i lack to cherish it . Hence the happiness just fades away and leaving me a wreck of hollow. I dont complain about my life as my faith says what i have is a gift from God and what i dont have didnt belong to me. But where did that urge go to achieve more and more. I work a little and get things but they do not come with joy. Is it because of the sins. Is it because i hurt someone so i am deprived of the basic human elation. Or maybe i am elated and thankless. Maybe it is time to pray and i am not praying. Maybe ramzan left me a sad memory. Maybe being away from home takes a toll. Now even the chaye doesnt bring joy or does it. Is it the kettle in the room that makes it in a minute that removed the joy. Was it the joy of going to the kitchen and make chaye from Chula ( Stove ). Is something wrong. I have travelled but i guess i still have to see many things if God wills. Sometimes i think why do people get happy over carrying an attitude towards people. Is it not scary enough to see ourselves leave this earth with arrogance and ego 6 feet under. Why the ego. I have developed an ego too or am i just too lazy. I guess being lazy is a bigger sin than i imagined or being lazy is just a bi product of sins. When people go right i go left. When they go up , i go down. I better write for my own sake and words and letters and this keyboard are my friends. They help me be free of depth. They help me let out all this rage towards myself. Sometimes i pray and sometimes i cant imagine what i do. Is it because of a test from God at level 1 which i never passed. Is it too late to startover on the things i have missed but did i miss enough. I never missed much. I am thankless. Just now i was looking at pictures from Budapest. 27th birthday. At that moment i thought to myself dont tell my age as i am old enough but what about now. Wasn’t speaking the truth at that time would have liberated me from hiding my age and why would i hide my age. When did the world have me as a culprit. When did the friends who loved me , loved me for what i am not. I am insidiously nice. Anger has a funny way of dealing with me. I am nice until i am enraged. But i guess its pretty normal. I make plans to do , a list of things to do, but sadly they comes with waking up early. Its 5:37 am here in North Cyprus, Turkey in my dorm . It is 27th june 2017. These days i am having interviews for jobs . Its been 2 weeks in the process and i am a little happy. I GUESS I NEED TO BE MORE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT as TIME RUNS leaving behind a list of to dos. But i am happier now as i finish this writing and i need to continue to be IN THE MOMENT. NOW NOW NOW.